What I Didn't Know about Romania
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Welcome to the What I Didn't Know about Romania series, compiled from a collection of articles about Romania. See also:
Alpha and Omega of Romania: boringnessModificare
History of boringnessModificare
The history of how maddening boringness put a hold on the creatures in this country is simple:
Romania is a "Carpato - Danubiano - Pontic" place, meaning it's near a rock, a piss and a drink, midway from the equator and east of the main thing (Europe).
A most temperate climate in the middle of nowhere, the dacian ancestors have gone insane and carved wonderful citadels in the mountains by headbutting the goddamn rock.
Their manly, rough nature can still be known from murals inside of deep caves, depicting the dacians eating whole bears roasted at fir and pine tree ("brad") fires, shitting rocks and yelling words in their rugged baritonal language, like "branza", "urs", "piatra", "mort", "fierastrau" "!".
==== Main History ==== (veni, vidi, vici)
Then the romans came, saw, conquered.
The ottomans came, saw, conquered.
The Austro-Hungarians came, saw, conquered.
The communists came, saw, conquered.
Romanians never conquered anybody, because they were good, behaved and fearing God (secret traditions not to be shared with other inferior nations). In the end of the 20th century, all that's left of the headbutted carvings bequeathed from our brave and rough ancestors is the Soviet Reversal:
You!! are stealing our cheese! No, You!! are stealing our bread! No, You!! are stealing our urs (bear) meat!
Afterr headbutting rocks, laughing at death, putrefying under conquerors and learning how to act positive while in the light from communists for 2000 years.
Find out for yourself:
“The Floods” are Romanian national holydays. They are celebrated every year by gypsies, sometimes several times per year. Romania has five hundred holy holydays per year, out of which only a maximum of 200 are floods.
The priests declared The Floods holy after their church went on a trip to the sea side with the hill it was built on.
The Floods represent the close relationship between humans and nature (no, it doesn’t mean that they are human nature itself). The Floods happen in other countries, but only in RomaniaFormat:Dn they are celebrated so grimly and with so much showiness that they recently become national holydays. The people of Romania are very proud of these floods, that recently the government has created a pressure group in the European Union forums to buy the patent on The Floods so that, if others countries want to have Floods, they must pay an enormous amount of money to romanian people. The church declared The Floods holy and is against it.
The Floods are maintained by “shpaga” (bribe), corruption, propaganda and popular vote (Romania is a democracy, isn’t it?). The mechanism is the following: a local governor takes “shpaga” from a company (more often the company belongs to the Minister of Environment or his wife); the company ensures the corrupted governor that he will make the improvements of the beds of the rivers “de mantuiala” so that “The Floods” take place at least one year. Are you still following? During “The Floods” the Prime Minister appear on TV wearing rubber-boots and impressing the people. At the elections the people vote for him and this way the local governor and the minister are kept in function to prepare next year “Floods”. Simple and efficient!!!
During “the Floods” all social and professional categories in Romania are participating
1) The country-people. They are the “stars” of all these days because they directly participate in the “actions”. The younger-ones flee from the water as fast as they can, leaving their parents with their animals behind. The 30–50 years old people untie the cattle, the horses and the dogs and then they flee too. The elder ones, if they are not fast enough to catch a horse or a cow, they ascend on the roofs, waiting for the wave to come. The oldest of the oldest remain in their homes waiting for the waters and politicians to come and wash their brains. There is a special category of country people, the enterprising-ones, who "ciordesc" (see "Ciordeala") the goods of the ones who fled.
2) The urban-people. They are the passive-aggressive category. They stay in homes and watch TV. “The Floods” are transmitted live by Catalin Radu Tanase (a.k.a. Dezastre). The most of them spend the 10–15 minutes after the transmission cursing the authorities because they cannot participate directly to the events. Sometimes some of the local governors take “shpaga” (bribe) from certain companies closely related to PSD (Social Democrat Party), giving them in return the honor to prepare the field and the rivers for next year Floods, so that the cities too can enjoy The Floods.
3) Mass-Media. Mass-Media in RomaniaFormat:Dn takes the opportunity to earn some money by improving the audience. They send Catalin Radu Tanase to the place of action, he takes the scuba-diving suit and a gun (just in case) and makes live transmissions on TV. He likes to stay half-submerged while broadcasting. The public in Romania can hardly wait for a volcano eruption.
4) Politicians. The politicians are the other active category in “The Floods”, but they are more sophisticated. They appear at the place of the action only if Mass-Media and Catalin Radu Tanase appear. Their “job” is to walk in rubber-boots impressing both country and urban people and to make promises that “The Floods” will take place next year too. And they do!
5) Business people. Let's say you are a business man from Bucharest (if you're not from Bucharest, you moved to Bucharest some time ago to do business). Let's then assume you tried some 40 years ago four times to finish your third grade and didn't manage it. That's no problem in Bucharest! Just arrange the following with your best buddy you know from your second-time third grade, who is something between "minister for education, family, forest, European Affairs and church" and prime-minister: this friend of yours gives you some three billion euros (or dollars, doesn't matter) from the ministry funds for education (or something else, it really doesn't matter what the money was for) and you give nobody nothing in return. The only thing you have to take care of is distracting the people from noticing this great deal - so you organize a flood. The Romanian people do enjoy seeing other Romanian people loosing everything they have more than seeing themselves betrayed by the people they voted for and, of course, will vote for again during the next elections.
6) Poets and priests. They chant and enchant The Floods so that they keep coming. They are the main category responsible for the misery of others, because their chanting puts the forest trees' roots to sleep, making the soil unsteady, deranged and prone to natural disasters like cash-flow.
From Dracula's favourite toy, tzeapa (impale) is now a very nice piece of Romanian folklore. Romanian people can give you such thing before you know it but nothing is more likely to happen while one's in Ploiesti the capital of PH county ... PH is the short of "Patria Hotilor" (thiefs country). Also known as "bone" in english.
- Tzepesh (the impaler)
- Dracula's real name, he used "tzeapa" to kill lots of turks who use to bore to death Romanian people in the dark ages with their futile expansionist attempts.
Tzepesh the impaler was the original pornographer. He has used humongous wood "tzepe" to punish real hard turk invaders, criminals and thieves. Pornography has since inspired many movies and has finally become an international cultural phenomenon.
The romanians consider themselves born poets, as we can see from their saying "Romanu' s-a nascut poet" (The romanian was born a poet).For example, they often produce(vomita [barf]) things like:
- "Intr-un pom, un pasaroi canta
- E pula mea, ce pula mea,
- Nu-i pula ta, e pula mea."
- Or, even better,
- "Poezie, poezie, pula mea e de hartie"
The first one states that a bird, of unknown origins( we think it is a "cioara dracu'", a crow, adorned by romanians) claims its intelectual property, "pula", as its own. The second one describes the evolutionary process of the above mentioned "pula" into a more tangibile object, Paper("hartie").
(see here mintrubbing)
Ciordeala is the noun for the verb "a ciordi" which means to steal, to jack. Ciordeala is a national sport practiced every day and every night. There are various forms for "ciordeala" and those who don't practice "ciordeala" practice for sure other sports like "manareala":
1. Jacking your people and the economy - is the exclusive attribute of the government and other structures. The leaders are also known as "Dinosaurs" and include Miron Mitrea, Ion Iliescu, Rodica Stanoiu, Dan Ioan Popescu, Pajiste (brainless zombie) and other members of the structures. Punishment - They are forced to transfer all the stolen money outside the country (ouch!!!!)
2. Stealing from your neighbour - most preferred are goods like chicken or horseshit. Punishment - at least 3 years time. (compare with no. 1)
3. Corporate jacking - you act like you work, they act like they pay you. - aka "stealing your own hat" (sa-ti furi singur caciula)
4. Others - American style (bank robbing and shit), Gipsy style (ciordeala in the bus, in the tube etc.), etc etc etc (Romanian people are very inventive so the list goes on)
5. Romanians also like taking advantage of the inferior race called Americans... Example: Getting money from stupid American credit card owner or selling aircraft on eBay to intelligent Americans that think this deal is real...
The other form ( and more advanced)of " ciordeala" is what a group of men are doing with a rifle,"pump-action" and other scary guns.This men are also named "racheti" and are originaly from Moldova (U.R.S.S.-United Russian Simple Shit).They are organized in a group with various names such as: "turma","haita"...Their actions emulate those of Robin Hood but in a more chaotic fashion.They steal from anyone and don't give anything to anybody. They are sometimes called "fratii nostri de peste Prut" ("Our brothers from over the Prut river" - The Prut is the river that divides Romania from the Republic of Moldavia). So if you plan on visiting Romania you must carry a rocket-launcher or come with an Apache helicopter. From us, best regards!Please visit us!!Your cars are already here, anyway.
And you should know that the government is punishing CIORDEALA very hard. Because they hate to have competitors.
Romania is a world with absolutely no speed limits. It's a country full of Michael Schumachers Valentino Rossis, and Tudor Fils. The only rule is: there are no rules and only the best survives. Romanian drivers are not superstitious, they don't believe in signs (road-signs), or working brakes, so you better not be a pedestrian (they're not superstitious either, but i never heard of a pedestrian smashing into a vehicle, only the opposite). If you try to switch lanes don't EVER give a signal, you will only let the others know what you want to do so they can block you. Just switch the lane and give the signal after (so the Garcea officer can see you tried at least). It is because of this wreckless driving that many of them find jobs as pizza-delivery guys in North America, as they are most efficient in following the "30-minutes or it's free" policy. When Romanian drivers immigrate to North America, their favourite car is a white mid-90's Ford Taurus. Romanian drivers have the unusual habit of slowing down when they see a white vehicle parked on the roadside (even more so if the words "ECILOP"/"AITILOP" are written on it). If you see a driver with his neck on the steering wheel... well... it's not HIS neck, it's HER neck. Watch out... women don't switch lanes, they just drive on both of them at the same time... to make sure they don't hit something on the roadside (which they do anyway, cuz they will have to park the car eventualy). If you see a car parked by an angle of more than 30` to the sidewalk, you can be sure SHE did it. Don't try to tell someone (driver or pedestrian) he's wrong. You'll get to hear a lot of words referring to reproductive organs and close relatives or even get a physical correction! Another Romanian driving habbit is to listen to a loud and distorded form of music called manele. It is said to endow the driver with ultra-high reflexes and a loose mouth(slobod la gura). Another form of enlightement is talking on the cell phone while driving. This helps the driver concentrate on the road. The cell phone is usualy accompanied by a cigarette bought from the "bisnitari" (a form of highly sophisticated tradesmen), though nobody knows how the steering of the car actualy takes place in this condition. Romania is also the only country in the world where you can see a horse or donkey-driven carriage next to a Porsche Cayenne. If you think that carriages are ugly, you don't have to worry about seeing them at night, because they have absolutely no lights whatsoever. Some models have sophisticated cabins made of an old car, fitted with a steering wheel, cassette player and even a alarm. (But no lights!) Also here in Romania is very TARANESC - "Tzaranesc - Something really cool, but pretty basic, in order to be understandable by the peasants." to put neon lights under your car, even if by that you double the value of the car. Also you can meet various forms of home made aillerons - even made from wood and painted in a different colour than the car - that should improve handling performances of the car (even if the car would reach 70 km/h only down the hill), and they are usualy combined with that strange form of music combined with very much noise and special distortion from car speakers - very low price combined with "good quality" - MANELE. Nowadays is a must to have a sticker on your car as a proof of your tuning ... RIEGER, ZENDER are very common... and some white stripes (Viper Style stripes). If u have all the above and you don't have some extra lights on your car than all your work has been in vain. For that purpose you can use lighbulbs designed for home use, leftover Xmas lights etc. The heigh of elegance for a car is to have curtains and a dog in the rear window bouncing his head. Also if you don't wear a couple of big fake-gols bracelets on both hands, and very big rings - "GHIULURI" (also something TARANESC; they are hand made by nomad gypsies from at least half a kilo of gold, in unique models that look very shitty), there's a great chance that a guy with a strange looking uniform, driving the car marked with ECILOP/AITILOP on the hood, will stop you and ask you for SHPAGA. And you should know that GHIULURI must be combined with at least two golden teeth - fitted in a very very visible place in your mouth so everybody can see how rich you are.
A new rule for some special romanian drivers... if u have a Logan car (basically this is a tuna fish can with some stupid wheels) you can drive on the middle of the road... and try to stop others from passing you. Ambulances and other emergency cars must never be allowed to pass you... If you make a mistake and someone tells you that, you just use your middle finger to say you're sorry... even if you know that you are a looser and someday you will be beaten for this smart and kind gesture...
Driving In BucharestModificare
easy steps :
- if the street is full, drive on sidewalk.
- if the sidewalk is full,go on the local river(Dambovitza),it has 3 speed lines.
- if you're lost,ask a local show you the way. Hint: always take the opposite dirrection.
- if you are getting stopped by street police due to traffic misconduct, tell them your uncle is a senator or bribe them.
- if you are waiting for some pedestrians to cross the street at the street crossing, it is polite to start a conversation (as you'll have plenty of time) - for example:
- if one of the pedestrians is a man and he has burried his hands inside his jeans pockets, you could say something like "Bai, scoate mainile din buzunar ca-ti mananca pula unghiile." which means "Yes sir, you can never be too careful around this neighborhood - a lot of thieves are after your "pula" (money)." ("pula" does not mean "penis")
- if one of the pedestrians is a woman, you can start a conversation by saying something like "Bai muie, misca-te mai repede ca masina asta calca nu fute!" which means "Hi! I'll be glad to give you a lift!".
- the only rules of driving in Bucharest are the above rules. However, if you're not careful while driving in Bucuresti, you might get a mooje muie. Or end up in "Petrosani", aka shithole. The sister city of "Petrosani" is the well known Philadelphia, Pensylvannia. Hint, Petrosani is located in the Transylvannia region like Penssylvania. Resemblence? No not at all...
- and last but certainly not least, you can't be a propper romanian driver if you can't swear propperly. And you definitely can't be a Bucharest driver without being able to swear for 30 minutes without repeating yourself.
p.s :no drivers in bucharest are locals,all locals drive in the Danube Delta,proud home of Bird Flu (romanian : gripa aviara)
You Know You're Romanian When...Modificare
- You fix everything with a piece of wire and say "i'll get it fixed properly asap".
- After 5 years, the wire is still in place and you say "leave it be, it works, doesnt it?".
- When you have guests at home, you tell your little child to recite them a poem.
- When you dont have any wire available, you use wooden sticks and branches to fix your car.
- You know how tough life is in school without chinese fountain pens.
- You grew up on liver sandwiches.... and thought that was normal.
- You make your own noodles.
- Everything you eat is savored in garlic and onions.
- You try and re-use gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
- You are standing next to the two largest suitcases at the airport.
- You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think its normal.
- All your children have nick names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
- You know someone with 20 kids
- You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
- You can fit 10 people into a Dacia 1310 made in '82.
- Your parents never throw anything away and if you by some chance manage to get something to make it to the garbage can... it mysteriously appears back where it was again.
- You have lace curtains.
- You have lace tablecloths.
- You have rugs covering every inch of your house.
- You have or had rugs on your walls.
- Your mom tells you you're too skinny even though your 30 pounds overweight.
- You ever heard of 'stomach stew'.
- You have curtains hanging across every doorway.
- Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think but they won't let you do certain things because of what other 'frati' and 'surori' will think.
- You know someone that married his girlfriend of 2 months.
- Your mom is a doctor and force feeds you medicine for anything ranging from a headache, stomach ache to a stubbed toe.
- Your house is full of Romanian medicine that is probably illegal here.
- You and your friends or family have ever been kicked out of a restaurant or recreational park for being too loud or rowdy.
- Your mom recycles plastic cups and paper plates, and sandwich bags by washing them.
- You dont know how to use a dishwasher.
- You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table (musama).
- You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
- Your dad ever butchered a pig or lamb.
- You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.
- Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (Got free with some household items).
- Your parents call you farm animals when you get them mad.
- Your mom ever chased you with a rolling pin or a broom telling you to stop so that she could hit you.
- Your dad ever told you to smack yourself over the mouth for being disrespectful.
- You're twenty years old and your parents are trying to send you to Romoville to get you married cause your old.
- Getting married at 18 is normal.
- Getting married at 16 actually happens.
- Your mom washes your clothing at 40.
- A new tax being passed by the government is simply a cover up because the end of the world is really coming.
- Asking if you can get a discount at a discount store on clearance items is normal and not embarrassing for your parents.
- You don't use measuring cups when cooking.
- You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
- You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are traveling by bus, train or plane.
- You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.
- If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
- When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.
- Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.
- You bought a cell phone for your parents and have to re-teach them how to use it regularely - and they keep telling you from time to time that "there is a small envelope on the screen"
- You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them away from getting dirty.
- It's "normal" if your wedding has 600 people. (and half of them you've never even seen, but they're related to you somehow eg.cuscra lu' cumatra leana matusa lu a mica sora lu unchiu' fane a lu marioara de la tara)
- You dont know half the people at your wedding cuz your parents invited them.
- You've seen the ground while inside the lavatory of a train.That's why it is forbidden to use it during stops.
- You have mastered the art of bargaining in grocery shopping.
- You want BERE (BEER aka BOOZE) 24/7 !
- You have a goat, it dies, and you wish the neighbor's goat also died
- You run out of toilet paper, but you always have piles of newspapers to use instead
- You take anything that "grows" on public property (corn, sunflower seeds, gasoline - from the transporting pipes between cities)always justifying that "da-i dracu', ca au furat destul de la popor" i.e. "our country is so rich, it can feed us, all"
- You keep the chickens which accidentally entered your yard due to the poor condition of the neighbor's fence (which is also yours)or you cook them right away before the neighbor realizes
- You poison your neighbor's dog because it was barking at you when you tried to fix the lock of his cellar at 3 AM last night
- You can last 3 months withouth eating
- You can't last 3 minutes withouth drinking alcohool
|This article is part of the What I Didn't Know about Romania series.|